Tuesday, 28 June 2016

Day 101- 28/6

So it's been over 100 days since I started writing this. I'm obviously still not pregnant and still not had a period. Not looking good is it?

I am really not happy today. I feel so low. Not about being barren still, but I return to work early August. I've spent the last few days booking settling in sessions at nursery. It really feels that these last precious few weeks will be spent getting my daughter ready to leave me and not holding her closer to me.  It feels wrong.

I also had a fright as I suddenly realised that I have to pay £900 in nursery fees before I get my first full paycheque. I have no clue where that money will come from. I've got £200 left in my savings and a credit card. I could liquidate some long term savings. I suppose there is no alternative. It's upset me dreadfully.

I'm feeling sorry for myself too. Jealous is the only word for it. Jealousy is a terrible thing and I'm also ashamed for feeling like this. I'm struggling now to make ends meet. I need to buy the stairgates but I don't have the money. I want a new bigger car and to move house and to stop working. I also want to book a holiday and set a date for us to get married. I can't do any of these things without money and my fiancĂ© won't arrange any stuff like that. It gets sorted because I insist and then have the funds to make it happen. 

So im feeling sorry for myself even though we are all healthy and my daughter is beautiful and I am loved. 

I'm selfish and jealous and skint, and barren.

Lucky fucking me.

Fingers crossed.