I never updated this.

 I don’t know day it is since I started this. But I should let you know what happened. 

I tried I really tried for a few years to get pregnant. I took clomid in varying doses for a few months and it didn’t make me ovulate. 

I mentioned that Americans took Letrozole to the clinic and they prescribed that. I then did ovulate. 

But 6 months of taking it and I didn’t get pregnant. 

I cried and I cried and I cried.

I realised that at 42 I wasn’t going to get pregnant so I gave up. I sold all the baby stuff and I finally booked our wedding. I jacked in my job which I’d hated but kept so I’d have the maternity benefits.

It took 2 months but I found a job paying £10k more for a bigger company. I was happy and started there. I was just about to turn 43 and got a job I liked at a good company and we were finally getting married. 

Second week there I felt a bit funny so sod it I took a test. I was pregnant. 

I walked down the aisle 8months pregnant. 

My beautiful baby girl was born November 2019. We named her Victoria and she is perfect. 

Our family is now complete. I’m 47 now. She will start school next year. She’s smily and happy and opinionated. She is loved. I mourn sometimes that I’m menopausal and can’t have another. Hubs and I occasionally say if we were 10 years younger we would try again.

I am however happy with my lot in life. I feel blessed and grateful for all that I have.

I’m the small percentage that have a happy ending. If you end up reading this, then I wish that for you too. 

Good luck

X

Day 104

The Chap took a day off today and we went to a local kids farm as a family.

We fed lambs, stroked and touched horses, donkeys, cows and sheep and even held chicks and bunnies. It was magical!

Came home and pottered about a bit. About six I went to the loo and thought "I'll test, you never know!" I swear to god I thought I saw a faintest of faint line. I came down and told himself. He looked after our daughter whilst I went to Tesco & bought a test (actually I bought 4 but doesn't need to know that).

Of course it was negative and now I feel an idiot. I won't say anything if it happens again until I've had 17 positive tests. 

For fucks sake!

Day 101- 28/6

So it's been over 100 days since I started writing this. I'm obviously still not pregnant and still not had a period. Not looking good is it?

I am really not happy today. I feel so low. Not about being barren still, but I return to work early August. I've spent the last few days booking settling in sessions at nursery. It really feels that these last precious few weeks will be spent getting my daughter ready to leave me and not holding her closer to me.  It feels wrong.

I also had a fright as I suddenly realised that I have to pay £900 in nursery fees before I get my first full paycheque. I have no clue where that money will come from. I've got £200 left in my savings and a credit card. I could liquidate some long term savings. I suppose there is no alternative. It's upset me dreadfully.

I'm feeling sorry for myself too. Jealous is the only word for it. Jealousy is a terrible thing and I'm also ashamed for feeling like this. I'm struggling now to make ends meet. I need to buy the stairgates but I don't have the money. I want a new bigger car and to move house and to stop working. I also want to book a holiday and set a date for us to get married. I can't do any of these things without money and my fiancé won't arrange any stuff like that. It gets sorted because I insist and then have the funds to make it happen. 

So im feeling sorry for myself even though we are all healthy and my daughter is beautiful and I am loved. 

I'm selfish and jealous and skint, and barren.

Lucky fucking me.

Fingers crossed. 

Day 45-3/5/16

Still no period.

Breast feeding has obviously screwed everything up. I did have a moment of hope Saturday morning when I realised my CM was like egg whites. A sure sign ovulation is close at hand.

Unfortunately, a 6M old baby with a stinking head cold put paid to any horizontal shenanigans over the bank holiday weekend. 

I've got a meeting Thursday lunchtime where I'm going to ask for part time hours.  Pretty stressed about that.

Wanting a child, is such a terrible longing and yet when you already have a baby it's like society says you are not allowed to bemoan your lack of conception. It's greedy apparently.

Sod it, I'm feeling sorry for myself tonight.

Fingers crossed 

X

Day 26- 14/4/16

So still no period. I haven't bothered testing again as I had three negatives after I was due. I know I'm not pregnant.

It's irritating as im sure this is all down to breastfeeding that my cycle is so messed up.

Fingers crossed 

Day 20 - 8/4/16

So I'm currently 8 days late and still getting negative tests. 

I really don't think I'm pregnant. I'm getting a lot of period type signs - bloating, aching feeling, minor cramping etc.

I would, however, like to get my period so I can properly start tracking again. 

I'm guessing this uncertainty and irregularity is because I'm breastfeeding. 

Sigh.

It's hard sometimes.

Fingers crossed. 

Day13-1/4/16

Apt day today - day 13.

I finally went out and got a pregnancy test. Big fat negative.

I wasn't surprised, but I am disappointed,  even after my recent concerns.

In other news £6.50 for 1 test in Tesco! I can't have that, especially if I intend to obsessively test like last time. So I hopped online to eBay and picked up 30 basic tests for under £3 incl p&p.

Should have guessed I wasn't pregnant as I spent a lot of the morning in tears worrying about money. A sure sign I'm emotional and due to get my period. 

Maybe next month.

Fingers crossed.

X